Joya: 0:00

You are listening to. We Woke Up Like this and I am your host, joya Cisnowski. I am dedicated to the soul's growth and seeing the higher self embodied, expanded and expressed in every woman. Enjoy the show, wendy. Thank you so much for joining me on. We Woke Up Like this today and I'm so excited to have this conversation with you because we're talking. You know, this year is all things liberation and embodying your spirituality, embodied, awakening. So I can't wait to hear your thoughts on what your take is, on what that means.

Wendy: 0:38

Oh my gosh, you know what? This is a perfect timing for this because just in the like the last three weeks, I have overcome my anger from my parents getting divorced and then, um, I had somebody come into my life. That's really putting a spotlight on my magic and my powers and my leadership and it's helping me to really embrace all of that unabashedly, unapologetically, just unbridled. This is now who I am, you know. That's the whole essence of what you just said.

Wendy: 1:12

This year is it's about being liberated. It's about like finding those little moments, like when I was told at a high-end car dealership that I spoke too loud and that I needed to turn my voice down. I'm no longer turning my voice down. If you don't like the volume of my voice, you can create some distance. I don't know what you need to do Put in some earplugs.

Wendy: 1:33

Or when my best friend in high school told me that I went from being playful to being just childish and she could no longer be friends with me. We hold like these little pieces in, even though we think we're being our authentic selves, but we're holding like these little pieces and I'm like you know what? You're gone, I am playful. Why can't playfulness be included in leadership. Why can't playfulness be included in personal development and personal growth? Like it doesn't have to be like this big old, huge, serious, intense thing. Let's be playful about it, let's find the bright side and the silver lining, and you know, just like we do with kids, right, and we make learning fun. Let's make this whole spiritual learning environment, or this awakening moment, fun, so it doesn't feel so weighed down.

Joya: 2:27

Yeah, there's a time for the heaviness where you, you know, when we do the shadow work, or we know we're in, or when we're feeling something inside of us and we have the courage to turn toward it and go through it, versus intentionally going to seek somebody who's going to be trying to constantly bring out shadow work.

Joya: 2:43

Bring out these experiences, bring out the trauma, bring out all of these things that have happened to you. And that's one of the reasons that I was so excited to talk to you after we were introduced by a mutual friend and we just had a conversation and I was like, oh, now I know why he wanted to connect us and it's definitely that shared philosophy of awakening through play. I call what I do sacred play. I would say my studio is a sacred play studio for people to come and step into that authentic space of flow and self expression, with zero judgment, with, with just for the experience of it to come present in the moment. So I just really appreciate that. And how do you bring? I mean, that's how I bring it into my work how do you bring it into your work and how you work with your clients.

Wendy: 3:26

Oh my gosh. So I bring it through relationships.

Joya: 3:29

I can really hear and feel how intentional you are with words and with languaging and with communication, and I know that you have a book called verbal turbulence. I do, yeah. So what, as she holds it up, perfect, let's talk about your book, because obviously I mean, we're talking about communication here and this is you are obviously the communication wizard. So share, wendy, share.

Wendy: 3:57

I am, but it took, man. That was a journey. I will tell you. The first communications class I took, the only communications class I took in community college, I failed.

Joya: 4:10

Failed.

Wendy: 4:11

I straight up failed, and there's a long journey. Why so? My parents divorced when I was eight as a cancer. For those that know numerology, I'm also a two. That was very traumatic for me. The way I process it was they destroyed my family.

Joya: 4:28

So you had a lot of anger.

Wendy: 4:30

I had a lot of anger.

Wendy: 4:31

And then my mom felt guilty, so she then spoiled us, which is not a great combination, especially in such a young adolescence going into teens, and so I really struggled keeping maintaining relationships, friendships, at work none of it right. My mom says so. As I was writing this book, I did involve my family in it, because they are in it nobody's mentioned by names, but they're in it. So I gave them a chance to participate and read, and and my mom's, like you, would just walk in a room, walk right up to the person that you wanted to speak to, regardless of who else was in the room, what they were doing, what they were going on, say what you needed to say, turn around and walk away.

Joya: 5:19

So just very direct in your communication.

Wendy: 5:22

Very direct. I always felt like, if I wanted to be my authentic self, I needed to say what I needed to say.

Joya: 5:29

as it came out, Did you ever feel like you couldn't share your truth at any point? Where did you feel like you were restricted in that way? So you've always had an active throat, chakra, that's working.

Wendy: 5:40

Yes, just in a very unhealthy way, because I would never filter, I would never be conscientious about what I was saying to the person I was saying it to. It was just, it was all me. I was completely selfish about my communication and unapologetically so Like I've. I know that I've heard a lot of people growing up and the biggest gift that I was given is the 70-20-10 rule. So I was in corporate America and my boss again struggling, building relationships. I was a great worker, I was great at what I was doing, I was one of the pioneers in the company, but I couldn't make friends. And he comes to me and he's like look, as long as 70% of the invoices go through, fine, 20% gets escalated and 10% we write off. That's our goal. And I was like you're willing to write stuff?

Wendy: 6:37

off oh and that gave me permission to not be perfect and that gave me permission to not be perfect.

Joya: 6:49

Oh, interesting, so up to then. So, in the anger of the parental divorce and you're just like I'm just going to speak my truth Was there an element of perfectionism in there for you? Yes, my dad was a contractor.

Wendy: 6:58

My dad was an entrepreneur, my grandfather was an entrepreneur, my mom was a leader in business and so, yes, it was a lot of element of being perfect, of needing, of wanting and needing to be perfect, and I think there was some self-validation and self-worth in that, through the negative relationship aspect of my life. And I turned. I looked at that 70, 20, 10 rule in terms of communication and I realized that for most of the people that were around me at that time, 70% of their of their communication was their stuff, their beliefs, their reflections, their emotions, their experiences, their stuff negative, positive, negative, indifferent it's their stuff. 20% was some sort of a combination between that and it being directly personal to me or the topic at hand, but only 10% of it was directly personal to me or the topic at hand and I was like, so if seven easy math if 70 to 90% of the communication I'm receiving isn't even personal to me, why the heck am I taking it personally?

Joya: 8:18

Yeah, oh, that's such a beautiful insight. It's powerful.

Wendy: 8:21

Yes and then okay. So if it's not personal to me, how do I discern through all that static to find the 10 to 30% of nuggets that I need or that's important to me and then flip it around on myself? What am I putting out? That's the 70, 20, 10. And what am I saying to myself in the 70, 20, 10? And I realized 90% of how I spoke to myself was negative 90%.

Joya: 8:53

That's probably true for most people, and they're just not aware of that self talk.

Wendy: 8:57

Right, but if I'm saying it internally, it's no wonder it was coming out.

Joya: 9:02

Yeah, yeah, exactly Like you come out automatically when I say you, I'm not talking about you personally, I mean when someone is feeling like a lot of negative self-talk.

Joya: 9:12

I've noticed that actually, I just heard a perfect story that'll illustrate what I'm going to say.

Joya: 9:18

Instead, it just popped in and there's a story about a man who got a flat tire, and so he's he's a very cynical, pessimistic kind of man anyway and he's in the middle of nowhere and so he starts walking down this country road and he's talking to himself going boy, I hope I find a farmer house soon and I hope this guy has a jack and he'll let me borrow this jack.

Joya: 9:36

What if he doesn't let me borrow the jack? What if he's a jerk? What if I get there and he's just super rude to me? What if I get there and he pulls out a shotgun and he like wants to shoot me, and so by the time he gets there and he knocks on the door, the farmer opens the door and he goes you can keep your jacket. He storms off before he asked him if he can borrow it. And I feel like that's what's going on internally when we're having that dialogue, that we let the thought become our reality with another person instead of verifying if it's true, and we react defensively to something that hasn't even happened yet.

Wendy: 10:07

What you know, what are the emotions, what are the traumas, what are the neural habits that you've created, that's allowed, that has allowed you to put yourself in that position? How many times have you been cut off in traffic and you curse them out? I mean, I know I did that, so part of my practice, when something like that would be what happened. You know we talk a lot about finding the gratitude, finding the silver lining, but and that really does help us change those mental habits, those neural pathways that we've created. So, instead of cursing them out when they cut me off, I say something more like thank you for not hitting me.

Joya: 10:49

That's such a big reframe right there.

Wendy: 10:51

Such a big reframe and yet it's so simple and so difficult at the same time. And then I started using. I started actively listening to people, because if I'm going to sort through the static to find the 10% of nuggets then I have to actively listen. The more I actively listen, I learn their vocabulary. So what I learned was I still get to say what I need to say. I still get to be my authentic self. But now the communication is turned into loving, kind and using their vocabulary so that it's more easily received or so that it's framed in a way that they will process the information.

Joya: 11:34

When you say active listening for people who don't know what that is, what do you mean by active listening?

Wendy: 11:40

It means being present in the conversation.

Wendy: 11:45

It means not thinking about what you're going to say next, because if you're thinking about what you're going to say next, you're not listening to the data that they are giving you, it's not going through the scenarios in your head of what they might be saying, because then you're not listening to what they actually are saying.

Wendy: 12:05

Right, it's not just waiting for your next turn to speak.

Wendy: 12:10

You're actually eyes, ears, all your senses are paying attention to the words, their body language, the sound, the tone of voice, the intention behind it, right. So, now, when somebody says, yes, I own myself, I can hear the words, I can feel the energy, but I can also feel the intention and whether or not they fully embody that, or whether or not they're saying it in order to help themselves get to the embodiment part. Right? So there's a process involved, and so when you're actually listening, actively and actually listening, you hear the emotions, you're involved with the person, you're connected with the person, you're listening to the vocabulary and the story that they're using, so that your brain can process all this information. And then, when you're ready to speak, or as you're forming your message, you can form your message with the new data that they just gave you in harmony with the energy or support or whatever it is that they need in that moment. It is that they need in that moment and just be a little bit more compassionate in that space.

Joya: 13:32

Yeah, that's I mean, it sounds like a lot for people who are listening. They're like that's a lot that you have to do, like how am I going to be aware of all of that listening? But it's, you know, it's really listening. Be beneath I love how you said it's beneath the layer of the words. It's not just the words that are coming out but the energy that's behind them and feeling also, at the same time, your own reaction, noticing if you are in reaction inside of yourself and noticing what that is.

Joya: 13:59

And you know, and I used to be one of those people who would definitely talk just to hear myself talk, would always feel like, oh, I have something to share in this, I have something to share, like I can't wait till this person stops talking so I can say what I want to say. And when I went through university of Santa Monica spiritual psychology program, I think one of the greatest gifts from that is that they teach you the skill of listening, because in every role, everything that you're doing, that you always at one point sit in the seat of the listener, and that's such a powerful gift.

Wendy: 14:33

Well, and they taught us that in massage school too.

Joya: 14:36

Oh, interesting.

Wendy: 14:38

Right, Because what they taught us was reflective communication, Right? So if the person is telling you, oh, you know, let's say they came in for a one hour massage, but they want, and they want full body, they want to focus on their back, but where in their back? Right? Asking the clarifying question. This is applicable to every conversation everywhere. Asking the clarification, the clarifying question Is it low back? Is it mid back? Is it low back? Is it mid back? Is it upper back? Is it sharp pain? Is it dull pain? Is it constant? Is it intermittent? Right?

Wendy: 15:13

All these clarifying conversations or questions so that you can narrow down, like what is actually going on and then, at the end of the conversation, the reflective communication or the mirroring in that. Okay, so this is what I heard. You want a full body massage with focus on your back and your neck, which means shorter amount of time on your arms and your legs, and the back or the neck is the higher priority. Did I hear that correctly? That way, when you go into the session, you know that you're both on the and so if they end up not being happy at the end of the session, then you can say, okay, well, we talked about this before. What did I miss? Did I miss something that you didn't tell me? Because we had that conversation right ways One. They feel like they're being heard because you reflected back to. It gives you an opportunity to address anything that you might've missed and they feel you know. The most important part is they feel like they were heard.

Joya: 16:30

That's so, oh my gosh. I hope people listening really understand, like this is this is the equal part of the, that balance in relationships and being in relationship is your well. Who said it? Franklin Covey right Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood. That if we can really make that our motto and go, you know what I already understand, how I think I already understand what's going on in me.

Wendy: 16:59

You're not in their head and they're not in yours.

Joya: 17:02

Yeah, and don't you know? I think one of the biggest hurdles in relationships that my I know my husband and I had to overcome was assuming that you know what the other one's intentions are, assuming you know how the other one is feeling and what they're up to, when you really have no idea.

Wendy: 17:19

There are so many people that have proved me wrong. Right those situations, I have learned the assume you make that out of you and me statement is so, very true. There are some people that I that I can preemptively know what they're going to say or know what they're going to do, but that's because of our level of communication or just connection or whatever, and even then they will still surprise me, and I think that's what love and that's what everything, and relationship and partnership, collaboration, all of those things, that's what it all comes down to is realizing that you are not them, you are not on their journey. Seek to understand, seek to accept, seek to appreciate and just know that you're on different paths.

Joya: 18:15

Yeah, and really and really seek to get to the root of things. If you can, like, really get to the root of it.

Wendy: 18:22

Please be willing to get to the root of it. Personally, I'm tired Like I don't do Band-Aids. I'm tired of Band-Aids. It doesn't serve anything. It really doesn't. I mean, actually, I'm going to stand corrected. There are times where a bandaid is necessary. However, we still need to get to the point where we get to the root of the issue.

Joya: 18:42

Yeah, yeah yeah, because there's not. It might not be the appropriate time to dive into something that's deep.

Wendy: 18:48

Right.

Joya: 18:49

Yeah.

Wendy: 18:50

Yeah, absolutely. If you're at a dinner or something and you get triggered, that may not be the right time. So asking for that bandaid, asking for the support, right going to your husband and be like I'm not feeling well, I know it's not the right time to leave this dinner, but just hold some space for me and just understand that I'm dealing.

Wendy: 19:08

you know I'm dealing with something right now so that he will be your partner in crime to help you get through the rest of the dinner, so that when you go home, you guys can do what you need to do.

Joya: 19:20

Let's talk about relationships with our guides and our higher self and all of those kinds of things, because I know you also do readings, so is this an ability that you've always had, or is this something that developed later on in life? And what do you mean to be in relationship with your guides?

Wendy: 19:36

So I found out about 14 years ago that I used to read auras and tell people about themselves when I was a kid. I don't remember this because I blocked out my childhood prior to the divorce because the divorce was that traumatic for me and plus I also, you know, growing up in an Orthodox Christian home. I kept getting in trouble for it. So for many reasons, I turned it off. Come to find out, the real reason I turned it off was because I needed to learn how to love in order to know how to use my gifts properly. That's that's the root people. The divorce and the emotions and the trauma was just the catalyst for the root which was love that's my, that's the ultimate root of my story.

Wendy: 20:27

Um, and now oh, relationship with guides. So I turned it off for a while and, um, after my second divorce and loss of a child, I decided to go on my spiritual journey and figure out what the heck I was doing, why I was collecting these people, why I was attracting this certain type of person or group of people. And what I learned was is that it's our relationship with our guides God, creator, spirit, universe, whatever vocabulary you use, to me it's all one in the same. A bird is a bird, whether you call it a dove, a blue jay or a cardinal. That's my belief system. Not projecting, but I've learned that communicating with them is no different than communicating with you, with my family, with my friends, with my business partners, having the two-way line of communication asking the question, asking the clarifying questions, understanding them.

Wendy: 21:31

What is their personality? What do they sound like? What do they feel like? Are they bringing in sense? Are they bringing in taste? Are they bringing a visceral reaction? Are they bringing in the emotional reaction? Who are our guys? What are their names? Right, you have it's. It's really important to know who you're talking to, right, and a lot of this. So, talking to human to human, we can hear each other's voices immediately. Right when you're talking with the spirit world, sometimes it takes a while for the communication flow to take place, so there's a there's a little level of patience involved yeah, and it's your own static that creates that.

Joya: 22:18

the lag time is your own static in your own field that's creating that, uh where you are in your practice and your muscle memory, exactly Right.

Wendy: 22:27

So if you're just starting out, even if you don't have a lot of static, you're still practicing those lay lines, if you will.

Joya: 22:37

Yeah. So, lines of communication. You can look at it as literally laying lines of communication.

Wendy: 22:42

When you're getting information from so many different sources at once, it's really hard to discern like what's what, and so that was part of my progression is being able to now, instead of getting one piece of information at a time. Now I can have up to four energies talking to me at one time, but now I can discern through the four different ones and have the whole conversation make sense, and this is good. This is working up the spiritual progression.

Joya: 23:20

And I know you have something coming up really soon. So why don't you go ahead and share where people can find you and what you have coming up, if they're interested in participating?

Wendy: 23:29

Yes. So if you guys want more information, you guys just want to chat? I do offer a free 30 minute chat. Let's just have a conversation and see where it goes. Like there's no obligation, we don't have to talk about anything in particular, just reach out. My phone number is 844-735-6090. My website is TBR that's to be revealed, TBR at spiritual healthcom.

Joya: 23:58

Okay, fabulous. I will have all of the links down below in the show notes. Wendy, thank you so much for joining me today. I so loved this conversation. It went lots of places and I really know that a lot of people got a lot of great information out of this.

Wendy: 24:12

Thank you so much for having me on here. You're such a blessing.

Joya: 24:15

Thank you for listening to. We Woke Up Like this. I would appreciate a like, a subscribe and a follow wherever you listen to this podcast. Thank you so much.